Goodbye, 47

I will not remember my 47th year fondly.

It was the year I was told I was no good. It was the year I was ignored. The year my voice was not heard. It was the year I was kicked to the curb. The year I never got a good night's sleep. It was the year - I think the first year of my life - that I became a bitter, angry soul. It was the year I became regretful, wondering what more I could have or should have done. The year I failed my family. It was the year I got fired.

I always knew, as a writer, I didn't work for IBM, that I wasn't going to get my 3-4 percent raises until retirement. I knew termination at the end of a two or three-year contract was a distinct possibility. It was all going to depend on the man calling the shots. If he liked me, I was good. If he didn't, I was gone.

I knew for about three years that the man in charge had no use for me.

Yet I remained somewhat stubborn. I guess it's the wannabe athlete in me. You think I'm no good? I'll prove you wrong. I traveled more than ever before. Pitched story ideas at a dizzying pace. Sent more ideas and updates on my ideas. I was desperate.

And none of it meant a thing. I probably should have known all along. I had folks in the office - folks who liked me - telling me to call off the dogs. To start looking for a new job. That nothing I could do was going to change anything. "The boss doesn't like you," is what they said. "And you're not going to change his mind. Ever."

I've tried to come to grips with this, and I'm getting closer. The problem is when something like this happens, and you see how it impacts your family. When you see some of the plans you tried to make (college savings for your children, as an example) shredded, yeah, it can make you angry and bitter.

I'm sure if you have kids you can relate. If you don't have kids, well, I remember what it was like to be single. When I was single I never worried about losing my job.

Maybe I'm off-base, but I view a single guy losing his job the way I view a married couple without kids getting a divorce. Basically, sorry it happened, but you are both adults, so shake hands, divide your belongings and get on with your lives.

Now, if you have kids and you go through a divorce, my heart aches for you. Your children have to deal with your problem, whether they want to or not.

If I was single and lost my job? Whatever. If I had to move, I move. No one's getting pulled out of a school, or away from friends. If I had to wait tables, caddy, freelance...whatever. I live in a less desirable neighborhood. All on me.

So, that's why it's been hard to come to grips. Because losing my job, in my mind, had a big impact on my wife and my two sons. And it was all my fault.

They've been nothing but supportive, but I'd be lying if I said there weren't many, many nights during my 47th year that I stared at the ceiling fan above my bed into the wee hours, wondering what the hell I'd do...

As you know from a previous post, I've got something new, and I'm going to do my best to do it well. Hopefully 48 and beyond are a lot better than 47.